


guided missiles, misguided men

by PsychoLimbo



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Clone Dib (Invader Zim), Existentialism, Gen, Light Angst, Moral Dilemmas, Optimistic Ending, Prof. Membrane-Centric, Written mainly like research logs, and having some inner turmoil, it's basically professor membrane recording his thoughts on Dib as his clone, kind of?, my interest in biology kinda makes an appearance lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:55:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21727132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PsychoLimbo/pseuds/PsychoLimbo
Summary: We have guided missiles, and misguided men.-Martin Luther King Jr.
Relationships: Dib & Professor Membrane, Gaz & Professor Membrane
Comments: 8
Kudos: 142





	guided missiles, misguided men

**_APR 29, XXXX - 09:03_ **

**This will be the first log entry of many to come.**

**Following my proposal to create a perfect human clone, I have taken stem cell samples of my own DNA, taken just after my own birth from blood circulating through the umbilical cord. Thankfully, collecting these blood samples is standard practice these days and I was able to easily obtain enough of these samples to begin my work on a human clone. Hopefully, using cryogenically-preserved stem cell samples will provide a much more natural aging process in the completed clone.**

**I will substitute any unavailable components with top-of-the-line artificial replacements.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

**_MAY 10, XXXX - 16:19_ **

**The clone appears to be fully sentient. It’s taken several attempts, and has been quite the arduous process, but at last it seems a viable clone has been attained. It does not have a name, but this is trivial at this point in time. Should it survive, I will give it a name.**

**It is too young, too simple-minded to recall not having a name.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

**_MAY 12, XXXX - 23:40_ **

**After several days, I am confident enough in the subject’s stability to give it a name. Its name is Dib.**

**One thing I must admit I was not prepared for was the fact that this clone is an identical replica of a human infant and as such, it cries. Oh, does it cry. And despite being a well-known figure in the world of science, I was not aware of just how abhorrent the cries of an infant are at unholy hours of the night. By God, I have not had a decent sleep in four days.**

**Perhaps I should consult the young family across the road. Explaining the subject’s origins will be a frustrating task, but if I fabricate a believable lie beforehand, I should be able to convince them that this is in fact an average human child and not the most incredible breakthrough in scientific research.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

**_JUN 1, XXXX - 11:05_ **

**As embarrassing as it is, I have begun attending a group for single parents.**

**I was aware that these are something that distressed, struggling parents attend in a desperate attempt for control in their hectic lives, but not in all my years had I ever expected to be in one. At least I am not bothered incessantly by the other parents there about the subject. That would be rather unpleasant, and quite frankly, I would likely end up leaving the group if such an irritating thing were to occur.**

**One group member in particular has been an incredible help to me in this precarious time. For anonymity reasons, I will refer to her as K. K is taking care of her twin infant grandchildren, whose mother passed away during childbirth. She is alone. The father abandoned the infants, and her husband passed away several years prior. I have tried to console her, but she is taking the tragedy with a grace I have seldom seen in this era of complacency and mediocrity. She needs no consolation from me.**

**I am drifting off-topic.**

**In any case, she has shared with me an incredible array of tactics for getting infants to sleep, to stop crying, to stop fussing and rejecting food, in ways that even I am baffled about. And by some remarkable coincidence, these unorthodox methods work without fail.**

**Both I and the subject have had full nights of sleep much more than we had before K intervened in my life. I will attempt to find some way to repay her, but I doubt that anything I create will amount to the relief she has given me.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

**_JAN 19, XXXX - 13:11_ **

**I have not made a log entry in several months, which I deeply regret. It is unfortunate that I neglected my duty as a scientist, but the truth is that I have simply been too preoccupied with raising ‘Dib’ and ensuring it believes it truly is a human baby. I can honestly say that writing log entries has completely slipped my mind.**

**The only reason I am updating at this time, unfortunately, is because the subject has spoken its first word.**

**I placed it in its crib, wished it ‘sweet dreams’ as K instructed me to do, and it mumbled a very clear word in response. “Dad”.**

**As much as I wished to correct it, I could not risk my experiment’s success, and in a moment of sheer anxiety, I replied with ‘Son’. Bah. I am baffled by how easily I managed to reply with that particular word.**

**I am unsure of how to proceed from here, but I will most definitely find a better word for it to call me than ‘Dad’.**

**I may have created it, but I am by no means its parent.**

**It is not a real child.**

**It is not a real human.**

**I must remind myself of that.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

**_DEC 04, XXXX - 20:47_ **

**Dib is progressing at the same rate as a human baby with no signs of abnormal aging typical of many organic clones. I am convinced that this experiment is a soaring success, but I am hesitant to present it to the world.**

**Perhaps it is a sense of lingering paternal protection, but I am concerned that the scientific community will be too eager to conduct tests on it, being an artificial human. I know intimately that Dib is not a true human baby, but the thought that it could be treated with the same disregard and lack of humanity as the average lab rat leaves a sour taste in my mouth.**

**In the meantime, I suppose I should prepare for Christmas. The clone may react in a unique way now that it is aware enough to comprehend the holiday.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

“Daddy?” 

A small, timid voice snaps Professor Membrane out of his thoughtful stupor, and he’s quick to minimize the window on his computer screen despite it having no relevance to the cloning experiment. With a heavy sigh at the name Dib used, he pushes himself back in his rolling chair and leans around the gargantuan piles of scrapped inventions to see the now three-year-old clone standing anxiously in the doorway to his lab. “What is it, Dib?”

The toddler meets Membrane’s eyes for little more than an instant before they dart down to the small, space-patterned blanket hugged tightly to his chest. “I had a bad dream.”

For a time, Membrane scrutinizes the child, wondering just how his most perfect creation could be startled by something as mundane as a nightmare, then sharply reminds himself that Dib is still a child and rises to his feet. “Ah, I see.”

Yet as Membrane holds himself proudly in front of the child, he feels his mind begin whirring at frantic speed, desperately searching for an answer to this unexpected dilemma. He’s never had a problem presented to him that he could not solve with facts and experimentation, but this problem can be solved with neither. This is a problem that requires empathy and understanding, something that Membrane unfortunately hasn’t cultivated as much as he should have. 

“Well,” he begins in as reassuring a voice he can muster, “Bad dreams… are no more than abstract thoughts, the deepest parts of our subconscious mind working in ways it shouldn’t. These nightmares are just the imagination scaring itself into wakefulness for no particular reason, and as such, should not be given a second thought. They aren’t real, Dib, and they cannot hurt you.”

Dib blinks owlishly at Membrane with sleep-shadowed eyes before nodding awkwardly. “Okay…”

Membrane heaves a sigh, running a hand through his hair. “You didn’t understand that explanation, did you?”

“I did! I did,” Dib protests, but the way he averts his eyes tells Membrane otherwise.

After taking a moment to collect his thoughts, Membrane approaches Dib and stops before him to kneel at the child’s eye level. “Sometimes… people have bad dreams, and sometimes there isn’t a particular reason for them. The thing to remember is that they are not real, and cannot harm you.”

“Oh… um…”

“Yes, Dib?”

Dib screws up his round face thoughtfully, then looks up at Membrane with wide, earnest eyes. “C-can I stay down here until you go to bed too?”

“With me?” Membrane splutters incredulously, “Child, I may not get to sleep until the early hours of morning! You won’t get a wink of sleep down here.”

Despite his words, Membrane feels his resolve begin to disintegrate when the little clone looks at him with a sad frown. “Then… maybe you should sleep too? You’re always working. Even when everyone else is sleeping.”

“That’s because…” he begins, but trails off before he can form an explanation and changes his mind. With a deep breath, he rises to his feet and crosses the lab to his computer to turn it off. 

“I suppose that might be a good idea.” he admits reluctantly as he gives the lab one last check and heads for the doorway. 

Dib gasps excitedly as Membrane strides past him, and the scientist feels the slightest spark of amusement when he hears Dib’s bare feet pattering on the tile floor as he tries to keep up. 

If he feels a small bit of compassion for Dib, nobody needs to know.

* * *

**_APR 15, XXXX - 12:20_ **

**I have adopted a second child.**

**I’m fully aware that I could create a second child from scratch on a whim, however the thought of creating artificial life once more sours my stomach. I am unsure of why this is, but I would rather avoid such irritating things as ‘guilt’ and ‘nausea’. Thus, I chose to adopt one.**

**Of course, there was really no need to obtain a second child, let alone one even younger than Dib, but I was driven by a desire I cannot as of yet explain. I imagine it was the drive to further my scientific observations, to see how the clone interacts with a ‘sibling’. I suppose I’ll go with that as a viable explanation.**

**The child I adopted is a baby girl named Gaz. I am not looking forward to the sleepless nights that come with raising infants, but seeing as I already spend most nights wide awake in my laboratory, I’m sure I can manage. That is, I used to spend most nights wide awake. Dib has somehow manipulated me into a healthier sleep schedule, which is impressive considering he is still a toddler and has an incomplete grasp on manipulation techniques.**

**Perhaps he’s taken after me after all.**

**What am I saying? Of course he ‘takes after me’, I’m the one who created him! He is a clone of me! By God, I think I’m becoming disillusioned.**

**Dib is a mere project, Membrane. Stay focused on your goal. Whatever that may be-- I can’t quite recall what my initial goal is.**

**No matter. It’ll come to me.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

**_JUN 21, XXXX - 21:00_ **

**I suppose I should’ve seen this coming.**

**Today is what the country knows as ‘Fathers’ Day’, and seeing as Dib sees me as his parent, he made me a gift.**

**I was out of town for the day, thus I dropped Gaz and Dib off at a local, credible dayhome. When I picked them up, Dib was uncharacteristically excited and thrust upon me a paper bag filled with an odd assortment of items. He insisted I open it immediately, so I did.**

**Inside were many pointless items he found-- a handful of dandelions, a dirty crow feather, a few multicoloured rocks, an earthworm which had unfortunately been crushed by the rocks in the bag and was leaking out the bottom-- but for some strange reason, they warmed my heart. Had these been presented to me by any other child, I’m certain I would’ve given them an uncomfortable ‘thank you’ and disposed of these dirty things when the child was unaware. When given these things by my son-- no, my clone, he is not truly my son-- however, I felt genuinely thankful. This little person collected things specifically because he thought of me and wanted to give me something he thought was meaningful, and that makes me happier than any multimillion-dollar deals I’ve been offered by the world’s most influential figures.**

**The thing that completely shifted my world on its axis, however, was the drawing.**

**Dib made a drawing of myself, him, and Gaz. And yes, it was a childish drawing with abstract shapes and colours bleeding outside the wax-crayon lines, but it was set in a messily-painted wooden frame. This frame was evidently painted by little Dib, and he spelled out a childish approximation of ‘My Family’ along the top.**

**Is that what we are? An odd, misshapen family built on a foundation of my own lies and meddling? I am unsure.**

**-PRF. M**

* * *

**_UNRECORDED DATE, XXXX_ **

**A series of strange events occurred, and Dib was injured in an accident I can’t quite recall. I do recall a small rubber pig, though this does not seem to have any relevance.**

**In any case, I had to explain to Dib that he does not quite have the same skeleton as the other human children; the metal framework of his left arm-- an arm I couldn’t quite develop naturally when creating him-- was severely damaged.**

**I had to replace it, and as I was doing so (I sedated Dib with a local anaesthetic so as to prevent unnecessary pain), the child asked me why he had a metal arm.**

**He looked so frightened, and that gave me an odd, empty feeling in my chest.**

**I may be the face the world sees when a new revolutionary device is announced, but what they don’t know is that I am, at heart, a coward.**

**I lied to this child’s face. I told him that he was born with malformed arms and so I created him a pair that grew along with him. He believed this as he believes everything I tell him. And I feel like the villain because of it.**

**Am I doing the right thing?**

**Have I committed an unforgivable crime by creating a child and playing god? I look back at the barbaric practices of ancient society and scoff, but am I truly any different?**

**I need more time to sift through these thoughts.**

**-M**

* * *

**_SEPT XXXX - 08:30_ **

**I have not made a proper log entry in nearly a decade.**

**I can’t quite bring myself to keep observing Dib like a guinea pig, which is why I have not been logging consistently. I keep my distance from him, mainly out of a sense of guilt, but I am not sure if this is the right thing to do.**

**He has a passion for the supernatural, but my years of scientific study have taught me that trying to prove the supposedly unprovable is a fruitless task. I don’t want him to be faced with the disappointment of a closed-minded, cynical world. So I try to discourage him somewhat.**

**I know that many of the things he believes in are in fact real, and I feel more guilt when I openly step on his passions, but maybe this will help him in the long run. I have no idea.**

**It seems there are many questions I cannot answer these days.**

**-M**

* * *

**_SEPT 30, XXXX - (00:46)_ **

**It seems I cannot simply ignore and forget my past decisions.**

**Today I was contacted by a fellow scientist on the other side of the country regarding the clone project. I completely forgot the fellow was aware of it, but now that I think back, I recall bringing up my initial plan with another scientist over a decade ago. Dr. Stercus is the man’s name, a man many years older than myself, and one whom I look up to. At least, I used to.**

**I confided in him to a degree, sharing with him approximations of some misgivings I have. He advised against seeing Dib as anything more than a petri dish in a biology classroom, undeserving of compassion and kindness. I admit, I may have lost my composure ever-so-slightly with Stercus, bringing up the fact that he may be an artificially-manufactured human being, but he is still a living creature, a child, and a child needs gentle guidance and support to flourish. Stercus was short with me following that outburst, and even went so far as to accuse me of being unprofessional. Imagine! Me, unprofessional!**

**I will continue to treat Dib as my own child, because what else is he to me? He’s not just a research subject anymore, he’s an irreplaceable, integral part of my life, and while I initially entered this experiment with the mindset that Dib would eventually be turned over to the government for whatever uses they see fit, I no longer wish for that to happen.**

**In the interest of professionalism, I’ll try keeping him at arm’s length and observing how he interacts with the world from a distance.**

**-M**

* * *

**_OCT 2, XXXX_ **

**An alien has landed on Earth. And Dib has taken it upon himself to protect the earth from it, despite how I attempt to discourage him.**

**It may seem to him that I don’t believe his words, but the truth is that I do not want him to be injured by the extraterrestrial being. I’m using a small observational drone to monitor Dib’s interactions with the alien from a hidden distance. I equipped it with the most robust firewall I’ve ever created so that its feed cannot be hijacked and/or viewed by anyone who isn’t me. It’s equipped with a small flashbang device that I can use to intervene in the case that the alien poses a severe threat to Dib.**

**I must admit that I am curious as to how his interactions with this alien will play out.**

**-M**

* * *

_ “Dad!! Dad, I need your help!!” _

The shout of alarm, with the dregs of panic clearly evident in Dib’s voice, reaches Membrane’s ears while he’s working in his lab. Moments later, the twelve-year-old boy races in and Membrane just barely manages to conceal his own worry before turning around. 

“The  _ world _ needs my help, son!” he exclaims in that proud-yet-oblivious tone he’s adopted over the years as a means of remaining distant.

The rushed explanation Dib offers is incredibly worrying-- something about an alien invading his guts-- but Membrane manages to keep his composure and hands the child the devices he asks for. Membrane is fully confident in Dib’s ability to use advanced tools like this, he’s not at all concerned that the boy will hurt himself or cause  _ too  _ much property damage, but he’s unable to suppress the vague anxiety that worms its way through his stomach. 

Well… if Dib is in mortal peril, then Membrane will step in. For now though, he’ll observe from a distance.

He is a scientist, after all.

* * *

**_NOV XXXX_ **

**It’s becoming increasingly difficult to remain professional and detached.**

**I feel as though I’ve made a very similar statement in the past, but it still holds true. I am aware of the fact that I am drifting away from the initial vision I had for this project, but I can’t find it in myself to care. Dib and Gaz are my children. I have grown and learned alongside them; I am no longer the same man I was before these two burst into my life like sunlight through an open window. And I am a better person because of them.**

**Dib and Gaz deserve to hear the truth. Gaz is excellent at taking things in stride, rationalizing them out, and forming an opinion in an instant, so I’m confident that she won’t be too unsettled to find out that Dib is my clone. Dib himself, though… I worry.**

**He’s always worn his heart on his sleeve, acted on emotion first and reason afterward, and I’m concerned that this revelation may destroy him.**

**Yet he is much stronger than I’m giving him credit for. I’ll do my best to reassure him from now on, become a proper parent who’s involved in their children’s lives. It will be a long process, with a steep learning curve for myself, to break the habits I’ve formulated over the years. But I am willing to put in the effort.**

**I am not ready to tell them yet, but I have set a deadline for myself. I will certainly tell the kids the truth, but not until I’m sure of what to say and do to ensure Dib does not think I don’t care for him. I’ve never been the most eloquent with my words when they’re not on a screen or paper, but I will try.**

**-M**

* * *

**_UNRECORDED DATE_ **

**This may be the final log I enter for this ‘project’. I put that in quotations because this is not a project, and it has not been one for a very, very long time.**

**Some incredibly concerning issues arose, brought about by the alien Dib has a rivalry with. I’ve labelled these issues as ‘The Florpus Incident’, which are documented in the appropriate folder on my hard drive.**

**I’ll spare the details, but the earth was put at risk of destruction by something known as a ‘Florpus Hole’, and while reconstruction efforts are not yet completed following the mass destruction caused by the anomaly, life has gone back to normal. At least, for the most part.**

**One of the more unusual changes to my life is the introduction of ‘Clembrane’. He is another clone of me, yet I was not the one who created him; rather, the alien Zim is the one who did so. He sees Gaz and Dib as his children as well, so I suppose we are a unit now. He lives here, and I must admit that having him around the house is a help when I am exhausted from working and lack the energy to keep the kids entertained.**

**Another benefit of having Clembrane here is that he is much more in touch with his emotions and empathetic side than I am. I am unsure of why that is, but despite his stunted vocabulary, he has extensive knowledge and wisdom of human behaviors and emotions, and this has been a great asset to me. It was only with his help that I finally gathered up the courage to tell Dib the truth of his existence. Not to mention, Clembrane stands firm on his decision to join me when I do tell Dib… which will be tonight. I must say that I appreciate his presence more than I let on.**

**Well, I suppose that should do for a closing log. From here on, I will forego these log entries in favor of personally interacting with Gaz and Dib. And I suppose Clembrane as well.**

**Regardless of how this conversation plays out, I will support all three of them without hesitation. We are a family, after all.**

**A family built on a foundation of my own lies and mistakes, but I wouldn’t give up my current place for all the riches in the world.**

**-Professor Membrane-- Esteemed Scientist, Proud Father-- signing off.**

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came to me out of nowhere and I've been tweaking it for the past 4-5 days almost nonstop because I loved it! Thanks to my friend [Mal](https://shihaii.tumblr.com/) for proofreading this for me!! <3
> 
> Also the science behind the stem cells in the beginning is an actual medical procedure and it's super cool! It's being used as a means of studying how to heal CNS injuries!
> 
> Find me [here!](https://hitamory.tumblr.com/)


End file.
